Words are Flowing Out Like Endless Rain: Marion, IL

MARION, IL

Population: 17,193

Area: 13.5 Sq. Mi.

County: Williamson (County Seat. Woot?)

Motto: "The Hub of the Universe" (no...really.)

I actually visited Marion a couple months ago, but I kept holding off on writing it up. I just couldn’t put a coherent post together; I saw a lot of interesting stuff while I was there, got some good pictures, but none of it really flowed together. I like to have a unifying idea for these things, a sort of thesis to make the whole thing hang together. And one was not presenting itself for Marion, and I didn’t really want to go searching for one. For god’s sake, I’d already driven to Marion, you mean I gotta go further?

            So, I consulted DTL’s official Southern Illinois (Or: “SO ILL”) correspondent*, Ryan “CashMoneyHos”Lenghrer. I told him I’d visited Marion, but that I was having trouble writing about it. I needed some perspective. And in response, Ryan said, “Oh god, you went to Marion?”

            And whaddaya know, that did the trick!

            Because really,that was just par for the course in Marion. When I got there, I went to this bar:

            And inside, I got to talking to some people. I talked to a lawyer who’d lived in Marion for about 20 years. When I asked him for a good place to eat, he said, “Well, your basically in CULINARY HELL!” And he repeatedly called Marion “CULINARY HELL!” And he yelled it every time. A few times, little spittle came off of his lips.

            Meanwhile, the bartender insisted that SHE was the best thing about Marion, and I mean, I believed her, but she was only about a 6, and she seemed to know that. I’d put a picture up so you could judge yourself, but, no, gross. 

            No one could tell me any cool things to do, or good places to eat. No one told me what they did for fun. The best they could come up with is that they went to Paducah.

            In other words, the civic pastime of Marion appears to be shitting all over Marion.

            But y’know what, fuck the haters, I enjoyed myself. Look around this bar: It was practically built for whiney not-as-smart-as-they-think would-be-urbannites like me.

            And it had it’s own special brew of Schlafly’s (Chicagoans: “Schlaflys” is St. Louis-talk for “Goose Island”). It was…well, the important thing is, the bar had it’s OWN SPECIAL BREW.

            And the place was playing the Black Keys, and The Cardinals were winning, and as I had my second glass of the special Schlaflys the bartender kinda creeped up to a 7 ¼, and I found a decent calzone, and it was fun, dammit.

            Maybe more importantly, Marion really had the feel of being it’s own place. The lawyer knew every other lawyer in town, which amounted to about three people, and was on a first-name basis with a judge who walked in. Which reminds me: the fucking judges apparently walk into the same bars as all the rest of us (Granted, it was right off the town square, so maybe it was just a lazy judge. But aren’t they all?).

            Meanwhile, outside, Marion had the usual monuments and stuff, but here’s the thing- they were mostly for LOCAL history.

 

   I didn’t get most of it. Who's John Logan again? Christ I took an IL history class...

   Nonetheless, I now pray to this man every night. For power.

 

            And clearly, Marion had- or was at least trying to get- it’s own little art scene.

 

            And how bad could that be? THAT CAMERA IS HUGE OH MY GOODNESS ITS PICTURES MUST BE EXCELLENT.

            The bar even had a stage and live music once a week. Right there in the town square.

            Now, Marion wasn’t the first place we’ve visited that gets all emo about itself. Out of the roughly one dozen places we’ve visited, it was the 20^th to do so. But it might’ve been the most frustrating one, just because I found cool things to do (okay, mostly drinking), and I was only there for about two hours.

            Someday, in the process of writing this blog, I’m gonna figure out that impulse to keep talking shit about your own town. I’m going to figure out why Chicagoans, Springfielders, and Urbana-ites are, in my experience, the only Illinoisans proud of their damn town. But I’m not there yet, so in the meantime let me just say: Marion? Quit your bitching, okay? Christ.

Odds and Sods from around Marion….

1)    Yeah, let’s talk about that town motto. I admire the way Marion just decided to buttfuck subtlety on that one. When I’m mayor of Springfield, I’m changing its motto to “The Only Goddamn Town That’s Ever Fucking Mattered. Recognize.”

2) Let's talk about that asterix. Yes, Doctor Doctoman is also from SO ILL. But he can't be a correspondent, he's the DOCTOR for fuck's sake. He has to do doctor things, like drive around with me, induce labor (by pushing down on the top of the belly, right?), and use the slightly psychic paper.

3)    As befitting the Hub of the Universe, Marion has TWO City Halls.

Also, every city hall built after 1950 has been uniformly depressing. I want something with a sense of civic grandeur, dammit, not a walk-in tax consultant.

      4) Speaking of depressing: "The city is part of the Marion-Herrin Micropolitan Area and is a part of the Carbondale-Marion-Herrin, Illinois Combined Statistical Area with 123,272 residents, the sixth most populous Combined statistical area in Illinois." -Wiki.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? YOU TRIED TO COMBINE THREE CITIES INTO ONE, AND IT WAS STILL ONLY THE SIXTH LARGEST WHATEVER IN THE THING! CHRIST, YOU SUCK AT LYING WITH NUMBERS! WHERE IS MY VALIUM?

5)    Why does the Marion Public Library have a stuffed camel in the window? Because it fucking CAN. Marion Librarians don’t play by your rules, Mr. Uppity Blog reader.

6)    Oh my god, how did it take me this long to figure out there was a Marion the Librarian pun in here? I’VE HAD THESE PICTURES FOR MONTHS! I’VE WASTED MY GIFT!!!

7)    The town paper is the Daily Republican. At least they don’t give you a picture of Jeb Hensarling every morning. 

8)    Well Justice League, you’ve apparently let all of reality get re-written under your feet, but you’re keeping my comic prices low. Way to nail those priorities, boys (and token girl).

9)    Sometimes, he sneaks into your room at night, just to watch you sleep. Sleep soundly, so, so soundly, my darlings.