There Is No Porn In Pekin: Pekin, Illinois

Pekin, Illinois

VITAL STATS

Population: 34,094

County: Tazewell (County Seat! BITCHES BETTER RECOGNIZE!)

Area: 13.8 sq. miles

Cast in this Adventure: Your Intrepid Blogger, Dr. Doctorman

First, a story.

Growing up, I had a friend whose name was probably something like Mark. Mark's dad was a farmer, and somehow, this took him up near Pekin, Illinois, every so often. On one of those trips when Mark and I were...maybe 11 or 12 or so?...Mark tagged along. And after his dad's business was completed, Mark and his dad got it in their heads that they should find some pornography.

Now, I don't know what kind of pornography they were looking for; I suppose that as Mark was only 11 or 12, his tastes were probably still pretty vanilla, like he hadn't found his kinks yet. On the other hand, he was only 11 or 12, and trolling for porno with his father and EWWW.

I guess it didn't matter, though, because Mark and his father could find no pornography in all of Pekin. And that's what they reported back to me (because clearly, that was news I needed to be kept abreast of), and that lead to a new Running Joke, Only Funny to 12-Year-Olds Division: just the phrase "Pekin Porn", as a code word for something that doesn't exist. Like, for example, a rational Michelle Bachmann voter? Oh, that's some Pekin Porn right there.

That brings us to today's adventure, which was, you guessed it, in Pekin, Illinois. I was actually surprised at how big Pekin was; I was pretty confident that I, at least, could find some porno in it (then again, do they even still sell like, porno mags? Who buys them? Have they heard of the internet? IT'S A SERIES OF TUBES!)

But, in what's sure to be a continuing theme, the locals were not at all impressed with their town. So judge for yourself, I suppose.

Our stop was Mineral Springs Park, the sort of central park and landmark of Pekin. It was balls hot, though I'm like, 60% sure we can't blame the city of Pekin for that. You can see Dr. Doctorman in the middle photo, staring at the lagoon, wondering if it was hot enough to just dive to the bottom and accept death's cool, refreshing embrace.

But here's the centerpiece, the thing I found most interesting (though, bear in mind, I'm a nerd)...

FUCK YES, EVERETT MCKINLEY DIRKSEN, YOU GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF.

Turns out former Senate Republican Leader Everett Dirksen lived in Pekin. You're forgiven if you don't quite know who he was; he was major player in the Civil Rights movement, though he wasn't as much of an icon as MLK, or as much of an asshole as LBJ. Still, it's pretty much thanks to him that we had the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

That's a pretty lofty legacy, RIGHT? So how does Pekin Remember him? Well...read the last line...

Yeah, we're gonna focus on the marigolds, thanks.

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! THE SENSOR SAYS THE MARIGOLDS ARE INSIDE THE ROOM! GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!

Okay, well, I suppose the Marigold festival is fine, so long as the Pekinnites are happy with it. And to answer that question, we stopped into CJ's for lunch...

CJ's was just off the downtown square, one of those nice historic ones with a big old courthourse (we'll get to it in a minute). And yet, inside...it was hours and hours away from an old historic courthouse.

CJ's looked like nothing so much as about 100 little bodegas and coffee shops you can find in Chicago, or New York, or wherever. And that's fine, I mean, I like those kindsa places. But it didn't feel very local, I guess.

And that feeling was magnified when we started talking to the staff. We asked the manager what something fun to do in Pekin was, and he said, I shit you not, "Leave and go some where else." (MOTHERFUCKER, I'VE BEEN MAKING THAT JOKE FOR 15 YEARS.) The cashier thought long and hard, and just barely remembered that we could check out the court house, or their new Starbucks (a town without a Starbucks is the true Pekin Porn). She said that for fun and entertainment, everyone, especially the young people, pretty much just go to Peoria (which was like, 15 minutes away. It's where Dr. Doctorman lives). Then she remembered- oh joy of joys!- that Pekin has "the world's largest...no, not largest just greatest. The world's GREATEST sun dial."

Shit. Dr. Doctorman and I HAD to check that shit out.

AND GREAT SCOTT, IT WORKS!

It was a complete sun dial, with hours and days and months and everything on it. The entire little area was like, an astronomical park. They had scale models of the solar system, old astronomy equipment and...

A SUN GUN! HA HA HA HA HAH, YOU FOOLS! YOU PUT THE INSTRUCTIONS RIGHT THERE! NOW I SHALL RULE METROPOLIS!

So, that kept us amused for a decent half hour. Because we had trouble talking to girls until well into college. But then, we returned to the town square.

And that was fine; the buildings were cool looking, and the town had clearly taken steps to preserve it's history, which you gotta love. But even this early into the project, a lot of these historic town squares are starting to run together, especially since they all have one of these...

Dr. Doctorman: "Say, here's a fun fact: Everywhere that Abe Lincoln pooped, they built a courthouse."

Also? This is Ev Dirksen's hometown, and some other dude gets a monument just for stopping through? That's cold blood.

But even putting aside Pekin's catch-as-catch-can approach to history, I can see how little of this appeals to most people, especially young people, especially factoring in the apparent lack of pornography inside city limits (I mean, we didn't see it, either...). There was this oddly green K-Mart, but I guess that didn't thrill anyone, either.

Geez, was it abandoned? It looks like part of the set to 28 Days Later.

(Dr. Doctorman says K-Mart tried a rebranding thing in the greater Peoria area, turning all of its signs there green. He says everyone hated it and they nixed it nationwide, but left the ones in Peoria as they were. Because fuck Peoria, I guess. Anyway, this is the kind of knowledge we keep Dr. Doctorman around for.)

But all was not lost for the youth of Pekin. Sure, they felt like they had to go to Peoria for any and all entertainment, including T & A, but the city fathers had a solution....

DETASSELING! AAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! WHO'S BORED NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS?! GET BACK IN THE CORNFIELD!