Little Girl, You're In the Middle: Chestnut, Illinois

VITAL STATS:

Chestnut, Illinois

Population: 246

Area: .110 square miles

County: Logan

Cast Members: Your Intrepid Blogger, Doctor Doctorman

Visited On: July 2, 2011

I always wonder what towns like Chestnut are thinking.

Chestnut is the geographic center of Illinois (here, I'll prove it), and, well, just take a look at what they've done with that.

Now, I think that's a fine little monument. I like that stark, WPA-style. It tells you all you need to know, and it doesn't distract you with a bunch of errata.

But I have to ask, did the city fathers really think that was gonna bring in tourists or visitors or anything (does a town like Chestnut even HAVE "city fathers"? Maybe not- it's not even officially a town, it's another census-designate place)? Did they think ANY kind of monument would bring people in, if all it's marking is the geographic center of the state?

Was it not about tourism at all? Did they just want to stake their claim? And if so, why? Did they think all that was standing between Chestnut as it was and Chestnut as a thriving metropolis was geographic recognition (I'm suddenly reminded of what I always heard about Illiopolis, that it's name was supposed to make it a shoe-in for being the state capital. Job well fucking done.)

Was it completely out of their hands? Did they state do it? Did...did Aliens put it in? OH MY GOD, DID THE MAYANS DO IT? WE COULD TURN MODERN ARCHEOLOGY ON ITS EAR!

What I'm asking is, what did they expect when they built this? What did they think building this would accomplish?

My guess- well, my guess is twofold. First of all, I guess that I'm overthinking it (And I am correct). But I also guess that I was getting pretty close by noting the WPA style- it was probably just something to build to put men to work. But I think even the most "hire men to dig a whole, then hire them to fill it back in" projects had SOME justification.

In a perfect world, I would ask the people of Chestnut what they thought. But alas, Chestnut is an unperfect and broken sort of world:

This is the main drag of Chestnut. (And "main drag" is the scientific term for the busiest streets in towns like Chestnut. Go ahead, just ask your local science-tician.) So if Chestnut's city fathers hoped that that monument was gonna spur on some activity, I guess they'd be pretty disappointed right now. Luckily, they're probably all dead. (Phew!)

Even the grain silo looks like it's in pretty bad shape. Look at that train track, it's grown pretty fallow.

I could spend a few more paragraphs obsessing over the construction of the monument and its effect on the development of Chestnut, or I could give you a closer look at it and make more snarky comments. Let's go:

This is exactly what I would expect a monument on the geographic center of Illinois to say.

Okay, so...all the corn is to the west?

And all the trains are to the south! Yeah, that makes sense, 'cause Doctor Doctorman's dad is a train conductor, and he lives in Southern Illinois.

See, now I'm just worried that if Batman finds this, he's gonna think the Riddler kidnapped a family and is hiding them in the east part of the state. DANVILLE, BATMAN IS COMING TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.

And...wait, what? Is the whole state of Illinois to the north? Or just the center? But isn't Chestnut the center? Is Chestnut north of Chestnut? Did M.C. Esher design this?

Doctor Doctorman and I checked in at the only open store in town, this antique shop.

The people there were pretty adamant that there was nothing else to do in Chestnut besides visiting their store (which makes the dangerous assumption that visiting it is something worth doing- though I guess it did get me this picture of Doctor Doctorman in a hat-

-still, is that really enough, I ask?). They kept talking about going to Mt. Pulaski or Kenney- but they also kept talking specifically about the antique stores in each town, so I guess we were talking to a very specific sort of person.

So, I may not know what there is to do in Chestnut, and I may not know what the town had ever hoped to become. But I do know one thing: This water pump just don't work:

Nonetheless, I watched Doctor Doctorman try for like, half an hour.

Other notes:

1) Don't worry, the center pillar isn't the only monument in Chestnut:

2) Friend of the Blog Jeremy Pelzer, here's the paper they get:

3) Jesus, Chestnut needs even more help than I thought:

4) Heads up, readers from the city:

5) It was so hot when we visited, our shoes actually melted a little. It was so hot, we willingly drank Mt. Dew. It was so hot, it was basically our Viet Nam- and Doctor Doctorman was actually IN Viet Nam.

6) I am aware that there are possible dick-jokes involved in the shape of the monument. Feel free to leave your best ones in the comments.

There Is No Porn In Pekin: Pekin, Illinois

Pekin, Illinois

VITAL STATS

Population: 34,094

County: Tazewell (County Seat! BITCHES BETTER RECOGNIZE!)

Area: 13.8 sq. miles

Cast in this Adventure: Your Intrepid Blogger, Dr. Doctorman

First, a story.

Growing up, I had a friend whose name was probably something like Mark. Mark's dad was a farmer, and somehow, this took him up near Pekin, Illinois, every so often. On one of those trips when Mark and I were...maybe 11 or 12 or so?...Mark tagged along. And after his dad's business was completed, Mark and his dad got it in their heads that they should find some pornography.

Now, I don't know what kind of pornography they were looking for; I suppose that as Mark was only 11 or 12, his tastes were probably still pretty vanilla, like he hadn't found his kinks yet. On the other hand, he was only 11 or 12, and trolling for porno with his father and EWWW.

I guess it didn't matter, though, because Mark and his father could find no pornography in all of Pekin. And that's what they reported back to me (because clearly, that was news I needed to be kept abreast of), and that lead to a new Running Joke, Only Funny to 12-Year-Olds Division: just the phrase "Pekin Porn", as a code word for something that doesn't exist. Like, for example, a rational Michelle Bachmann voter? Oh, that's some Pekin Porn right there.

That brings us to today's adventure, which was, you guessed it, in Pekin, Illinois. I was actually surprised at how big Pekin was; I was pretty confident that I, at least, could find some porno in it (then again, do they even still sell like, porno mags? Who buys them? Have they heard of the internet? IT'S A SERIES OF TUBES!)

But, in what's sure to be a continuing theme, the locals were not at all impressed with their town. So judge for yourself, I suppose.

Our stop was Mineral Springs Park, the sort of central park and landmark of Pekin. It was balls hot, though I'm like, 60% sure we can't blame the city of Pekin for that. You can see Dr. Doctorman in the middle photo, staring at the lagoon, wondering if it was hot enough to just dive to the bottom and accept death's cool, refreshing embrace.

But here's the centerpiece, the thing I found most interesting (though, bear in mind, I'm a nerd)...

FUCK YES, EVERETT MCKINLEY DIRKSEN, YOU GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF.

Turns out former Senate Republican Leader Everett Dirksen lived in Pekin. You're forgiven if you don't quite know who he was; he was major player in the Civil Rights movement, though he wasn't as much of an icon as MLK, or as much of an asshole as LBJ. Still, it's pretty much thanks to him that we had the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

That's a pretty lofty legacy, RIGHT? So how does Pekin Remember him? Well...read the last line...

Yeah, we're gonna focus on the marigolds, thanks.

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! THE SENSOR SAYS THE MARIGOLDS ARE INSIDE THE ROOM! GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!

Okay, well, I suppose the Marigold festival is fine, so long as the Pekinnites are happy with it. And to answer that question, we stopped into CJ's for lunch...

CJ's was just off the downtown square, one of those nice historic ones with a big old courthourse (we'll get to it in a minute). And yet, inside...it was hours and hours away from an old historic courthouse.

CJ's looked like nothing so much as about 100 little bodegas and coffee shops you can find in Chicago, or New York, or wherever. And that's fine, I mean, I like those kindsa places. But it didn't feel very local, I guess.

And that feeling was magnified when we started talking to the staff. We asked the manager what something fun to do in Pekin was, and he said, I shit you not, "Leave and go some where else." (MOTHERFUCKER, I'VE BEEN MAKING THAT JOKE FOR 15 YEARS.) The cashier thought long and hard, and just barely remembered that we could check out the court house, or their new Starbucks (a town without a Starbucks is the true Pekin Porn). She said that for fun and entertainment, everyone, especially the young people, pretty much just go to Peoria (which was like, 15 minutes away. It's where Dr. Doctorman lives). Then she remembered- oh joy of joys!- that Pekin has "the world's largest...no, not largest just greatest. The world's GREATEST sun dial."

Shit. Dr. Doctorman and I HAD to check that shit out.

AND GREAT SCOTT, IT WORKS!

It was a complete sun dial, with hours and days and months and everything on it. The entire little area was like, an astronomical park. They had scale models of the solar system, old astronomy equipment and...

A SUN GUN! HA HA HA HA HAH, YOU FOOLS! YOU PUT THE INSTRUCTIONS RIGHT THERE! NOW I SHALL RULE METROPOLIS!

So, that kept us amused for a decent half hour. Because we had trouble talking to girls until well into college. But then, we returned to the town square.

And that was fine; the buildings were cool looking, and the town had clearly taken steps to preserve it's history, which you gotta love. But even this early into the project, a lot of these historic town squares are starting to run together, especially since they all have one of these...

Dr. Doctorman: "Say, here's a fun fact: Everywhere that Abe Lincoln pooped, they built a courthouse."

Also? This is Ev Dirksen's hometown, and some other dude gets a monument just for stopping through? That's cold blood.

But even putting aside Pekin's catch-as-catch-can approach to history, I can see how little of this appeals to most people, especially young people, especially factoring in the apparent lack of pornography inside city limits (I mean, we didn't see it, either...). There was this oddly green K-Mart, but I guess that didn't thrill anyone, either.

Geez, was it abandoned? It looks like part of the set to 28 Days Later.

(Dr. Doctorman says K-Mart tried a rebranding thing in the greater Peoria area, turning all of its signs there green. He says everyone hated it and they nixed it nationwide, but left the ones in Peoria as they were. Because fuck Peoria, I guess. Anyway, this is the kind of knowledge we keep Dr. Doctorman around for.)

But all was not lost for the youth of Pekin. Sure, they felt like they had to go to Peoria for any and all entertainment, including T & A, but the city fathers had a solution....

DETASSELING! AAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! WHO'S BORED NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS?! GET BACK IN THE CORNFIELD!