Words are Flowing Out Like Endless Rain: Marion, IL

MARION, IL

Population: 17,193

Area: 13.5 Sq. Mi.

County: Williamson (County Seat. Woot?)

Motto: "The Hub of the Universe" (no...really.)

I actually visited Marion a couple months ago, but I kept holding off on writing it up. I just couldn’t put a coherent post together; I saw a lot of interesting stuff while I was there, got some good pictures, but none of it really flowed together. I like to have a unifying idea for these things, a sort of thesis to make the whole thing hang together. And one was not presenting itself for Marion, and I didn’t really want to go searching for one. For god’s sake, I’d already driven to Marion, you mean I gotta go further?

            So, I consulted DTL’s official Southern Illinois (Or: “SO ILL”) correspondent*, Ryan “CashMoneyHos”Lenghrer. I told him I’d visited Marion, but that I was having trouble writing about it. I needed some perspective. And in response, Ryan said, “Oh god, you went to Marion?”

            And whaddaya know, that did the trick!

            Because really,that was just par for the course in Marion. When I got there, I went to this bar:

            And inside, I got to talking to some people. I talked to a lawyer who’d lived in Marion for about 20 years. When I asked him for a good place to eat, he said, “Well, your basically in CULINARY HELL!” And he repeatedly called Marion “CULINARY HELL!” And he yelled it every time. A few times, little spittle came off of his lips.

            Meanwhile, the bartender insisted that SHE was the best thing about Marion, and I mean, I believed her, but she was only about a 6, and she seemed to know that. I’d put a picture up so you could judge yourself, but, no, gross. 

            No one could tell me any cool things to do, or good places to eat. No one told me what they did for fun. The best they could come up with is that they went to Paducah.

            In other words, the civic pastime of Marion appears to be shitting all over Marion.

            But y’know what, fuck the haters, I enjoyed myself. Look around this bar: It was practically built for whiney not-as-smart-as-they-think would-be-urbannites like me.

            And it had it’s own special brew of Schlafly’s (Chicagoans: “Schlaflys” is St. Louis-talk for “Goose Island”). It was…well, the important thing is, the bar had it’s OWN SPECIAL BREW.

            And the place was playing the Black Keys, and The Cardinals were winning, and as I had my second glass of the special Schlaflys the bartender kinda creeped up to a 7 ¼, and I found a decent calzone, and it was fun, dammit.

            Maybe more importantly, Marion really had the feel of being it’s own place. The lawyer knew every other lawyer in town, which amounted to about three people, and was on a first-name basis with a judge who walked in. Which reminds me: the fucking judges apparently walk into the same bars as all the rest of us (Granted, it was right off the town square, so maybe it was just a lazy judge. But aren’t they all?).

            Meanwhile, outside, Marion had the usual monuments and stuff, but here’s the thing- they were mostly for LOCAL history.

 

   I didn’t get most of it. Who's John Logan again? Christ I took an IL history class...

   Nonetheless, I now pray to this man every night. For power.

 

            And clearly, Marion had- or was at least trying to get- it’s own little art scene.

 

            And how bad could that be? THAT CAMERA IS HUGE OH MY GOODNESS ITS PICTURES MUST BE EXCELLENT.

            The bar even had a stage and live music once a week. Right there in the town square.

            Now, Marion wasn’t the first place we’ve visited that gets all emo about itself. Out of the roughly one dozen places we’ve visited, it was the 20^th to do so. But it might’ve been the most frustrating one, just because I found cool things to do (okay, mostly drinking), and I was only there for about two hours.

            Someday, in the process of writing this blog, I’m gonna figure out that impulse to keep talking shit about your own town. I’m going to figure out why Chicagoans, Springfielders, and Urbana-ites are, in my experience, the only Illinoisans proud of their damn town. But I’m not there yet, so in the meantime let me just say: Marion? Quit your bitching, okay? Christ.

Odds and Sods from around Marion….

1)    Yeah, let’s talk about that town motto. I admire the way Marion just decided to buttfuck subtlety on that one. When I’m mayor of Springfield, I’m changing its motto to “The Only Goddamn Town That’s Ever Fucking Mattered. Recognize.”

2) Let's talk about that asterix. Yes, Doctor Doctoman is also from SO ILL. But he can't be a correspondent, he's the DOCTOR for fuck's sake. He has to do doctor things, like drive around with me, induce labor (by pushing down on the top of the belly, right?), and use the slightly psychic paper.

3)    As befitting the Hub of the Universe, Marion has TWO City Halls.

Also, every city hall built after 1950 has been uniformly depressing. I want something with a sense of civic grandeur, dammit, not a walk-in tax consultant.

      4) Speaking of depressing: "The city is part of the Marion-Herrin Micropolitan Area and is a part of the Carbondale-Marion-Herrin, Illinois Combined Statistical Area with 123,272 residents, the sixth most populous Combined statistical area in Illinois." -Wiki.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? YOU TRIED TO COMBINE THREE CITIES INTO ONE, AND IT WAS STILL ONLY THE SIXTH LARGEST WHATEVER IN THE THING! CHRIST, YOU SUCK AT LYING WITH NUMBERS! WHERE IS MY VALIUM?

5)    Why does the Marion Public Library have a stuffed camel in the window? Because it fucking CAN. Marion Librarians don’t play by your rules, Mr. Uppity Blog reader.

6)    Oh my god, how did it take me this long to figure out there was a Marion the Librarian pun in here? I’VE HAD THESE PICTURES FOR MONTHS! I’VE WASTED MY GIFT!!!

7)    The town paper is the Daily Republican. At least they don’t give you a picture of Jeb Hensarling every morning. 

8)    Well Justice League, you’ve apparently let all of reality get re-written under your feet, but you’re keeping my comic prices low. Way to nail those priorities, boys (and token girl).

9)    Sometimes, he sneaks into your room at night, just to watch you sleep. Sleep soundly, so, so soundly, my darlings.

YIB BEARDSTOWN LOG: SUPPLEMENTAL

First of all, let's me clear: Doctor Doctorman NAILED IT on Beardstown. Just a fucking heroic effort from a grizzled veteran of the Tour Wars. I'm only adding this in because I had my own thought/feeling about Beardstown, one that Doctor Doctorman couldn't know. HIS PRECIOUS STETHOSCOPE CAN'T HEAR MY THOUGHTS.

I actually found Beardstown disappointing. I'd heard about the Latino influx for so long, I expected something epic, like a little Spanish Harlem on the edge of town, or violent street clashes between Latino and Gringo youths (by which I of course mean well-choreographed musical numbers where ever fifth dance step looks mildly aggressive. Keep cool, boy).

But I didn't find that. I mean, we saw plenty of evidence that Beardstown had a growing Latino population- we saw people on the streets, the signs that Doctor Doctoman posted- but there wasn't that much. We had to wind around for half an hour before we found a Mexican restaurant that looked at all open. In general, it just looked like another run-down Illinois river town- cute public square, vacant buildings, dead factories (Except for Cargill, I suppose), Lincoln.

Also, we didnt' get a picture of it, but there was totally a stump burning in someone's yard. Just cold burnin'. It kinda felt like a religious experience.

Anyway, the existential question is now on the board: Are we EVER going to find a town that's really different? Read on, gentle web surfer.

Beardstown: I've Never Really Been But I'd Sure Like to Go

VITAL STATS:

Beardstown, IL

Population: 6123 (as of 2010)

Area: 3.5 square miles (0.1 square miles water, 0.00000001 square miles beards)

County: Cass

Cast Members: Doctor Doctorman, Your Intrepid Blogger

Visited On: July 16, 2011

Hey all you Illinois small town enthusiasts! After weeks, neigh, minutes of preparing, I, Doctor Doctorman, am finally ready to reveal and report on the goings-on of rural Illinois. Your Intrepid Blogger has been doing a fine job of pulling the sum weight of this project on his own so far, but I know at least I’m ready to hear from me. So read on, future loyalist!

It was a lovely balls-hot July Saturday when Your Intrepid Blogger and I set out looking for our next town in need of our particular brand of tourism. For this day, we deferred to the heavy suggestions from Mrs. Doctorman’s grandparents, to visit her grandpa’s hometown of Beardstown. I haven’t been deliberately avoiding this one or anything, but until YIB started up this project, it hadn’t been a priority. Now though, I’m making two tacos with one tortilla!

Standing on the east bank of Illinois River, Beardstown is your basic old river town, living in the memory of its former grandeur, but it has a twist! Not content to let Beardstown shrink and shrivel like so many other towns we’ve seen, the Powers That Be have chosen Cass county as the site of a grand battle of mythical proportions.

A challenger appears.

That’s right, like select other towns across Midwest, Beardstown has seen a relatively large influx of Latino/Latina residents. As was explained to me, Cargill, a local slaughterhouse of biblical proportions, has attracted the new residents because it provides jobs in butchery and processing they are ready, willing, and able to perform. As was not explained to me (and deducted on my own), the current generations of Beardstownians weren’t exactly tearing Cargill’s doors down demanding jobs as butchers. Thus, in order to keep those very doors open, the “Meat Solution Corps” (not making that up), found the skilled individuals it needed to get the job done. And as far as YIB and I gathered, from our time there, the integration is going fairly well.

Jesus Cristo, they’re Methodist!

Also there was a cute church fair going on parking lot just off the square.

The Schwan’s Man was even there! Seriously, I thought these guys went extinct in the flood of ’93.

But what would a trip to an old river town be without a bunch of old river history? Dunno, hasn’t happened yet. The museum was built onto the courthouse just off the town square.

Beardstown boasts being the site of the famous Lincoln Almanac Trial. We got a pretty good tour of the museum and courthouse from the local docent who explained that Lincoln took this case only because he personally knew the accused. During the trial he was apparently able to use an almanac to discredit his opponents' witness by showing there was no full moon on the night in question as he had said. He was furthermore able to prove that witness was a witch.

“See? Witch. It says so right here.”

Lincoln sealed the deal with the jury by saying his now infamous quote about his client, “I rocked him in my arms a child.” This is true, and the jury was quite moved by his conviction, ultimately setting Duff Armstrong free. Upon leaving the courtroom, though, Your Intrepid Blogger muttered to me under his breath that was really complete bullshit and would be thrown out of a modern courtroom faster than a kid at a cake buffet.

What is cool and worth noting is this is the only courtroom where Lincoln once practiced that is still in use today. A local judge likes to use it occasionally for filing paperwork and passing minor motions, likely more as a sentimental thing and because he likes stuff like that. Incidentally, YIB said he could see himself doing something like that someday after he gets a robe. I very much approve.

Here are a few random shots from the museum, including the double jail.

Apparently the people of Beardstown liked to feel very secure. This place was used up until the 1990’s!

Anyway, after we had seen enough history, we decided to walk down to the river. When we got there we were met with this site.

A River Look. “Look” being the primary noun here. I guess it beats the Byron Nuclear Power Plant “Touch” or the Effingham Interstate “Listen”. They did have some of those mounted binoculars, though.

Whatever I saw here apparently did not please me.

We did find a fountain to stand in and cool off for a minute on this ridiculously hot day, which was nice. After that we loaded up and went in search of lunch that would really put the T on our Beardstown experience.

We found it.

And a few more random shots around town.

A directive? An ominous warning from the future? You decide.

All in all it was a pretty good trip. We’re still working on the whole “get the people who live there” to talk to us thing but at least we met a nice museum docent. Oh, speaking of the museum again, on our way out we picked up a bumper sticker and this lovely bit of literature. The picture is of Lincoln in a white suit, which is apparently about as rare as the one of him in Mary Todd’s wedding dress.

The Spanish stack was at least twice as tall as the English one.

Little Girl, You're In the Middle: Chestnut, Illinois

VITAL STATS:

Chestnut, Illinois

Population: 246

Area: .110 square miles

County: Logan

Cast Members: Your Intrepid Blogger, Doctor Doctorman

Visited On: July 2, 2011

I always wonder what towns like Chestnut are thinking.

Chestnut is the geographic center of Illinois (here, I'll prove it), and, well, just take a look at what they've done with that.

Now, I think that's a fine little monument. I like that stark, WPA-style. It tells you all you need to know, and it doesn't distract you with a bunch of errata.

But I have to ask, did the city fathers really think that was gonna bring in tourists or visitors or anything (does a town like Chestnut even HAVE "city fathers"? Maybe not- it's not even officially a town, it's another census-designate place)? Did they think ANY kind of monument would bring people in, if all it's marking is the geographic center of the state?

Was it not about tourism at all? Did they just want to stake their claim? And if so, why? Did they think all that was standing between Chestnut as it was and Chestnut as a thriving metropolis was geographic recognition (I'm suddenly reminded of what I always heard about Illiopolis, that it's name was supposed to make it a shoe-in for being the state capital. Job well fucking done.)

Was it completely out of their hands? Did they state do it? Did...did Aliens put it in? OH MY GOD, DID THE MAYANS DO IT? WE COULD TURN MODERN ARCHEOLOGY ON ITS EAR!

What I'm asking is, what did they expect when they built this? What did they think building this would accomplish?

My guess- well, my guess is twofold. First of all, I guess that I'm overthinking it (And I am correct). But I also guess that I was getting pretty close by noting the WPA style- it was probably just something to build to put men to work. But I think even the most "hire men to dig a whole, then hire them to fill it back in" projects had SOME justification.

In a perfect world, I would ask the people of Chestnut what they thought. But alas, Chestnut is an unperfect and broken sort of world:

This is the main drag of Chestnut. (And "main drag" is the scientific term for the busiest streets in towns like Chestnut. Go ahead, just ask your local science-tician.) So if Chestnut's city fathers hoped that that monument was gonna spur on some activity, I guess they'd be pretty disappointed right now. Luckily, they're probably all dead. (Phew!)

Even the grain silo looks like it's in pretty bad shape. Look at that train track, it's grown pretty fallow.

I could spend a few more paragraphs obsessing over the construction of the monument and its effect on the development of Chestnut, or I could give you a closer look at it and make more snarky comments. Let's go:

This is exactly what I would expect a monument on the geographic center of Illinois to say.

Okay, so...all the corn is to the west?

And all the trains are to the south! Yeah, that makes sense, 'cause Doctor Doctorman's dad is a train conductor, and he lives in Southern Illinois.

See, now I'm just worried that if Batman finds this, he's gonna think the Riddler kidnapped a family and is hiding them in the east part of the state. DANVILLE, BATMAN IS COMING TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.

And...wait, what? Is the whole state of Illinois to the north? Or just the center? But isn't Chestnut the center? Is Chestnut north of Chestnut? Did M.C. Esher design this?

Doctor Doctorman and I checked in at the only open store in town, this antique shop.

The people there were pretty adamant that there was nothing else to do in Chestnut besides visiting their store (which makes the dangerous assumption that visiting it is something worth doing- though I guess it did get me this picture of Doctor Doctorman in a hat-

-still, is that really enough, I ask?). They kept talking about going to Mt. Pulaski or Kenney- but they also kept talking specifically about the antique stores in each town, so I guess we were talking to a very specific sort of person.

So, I may not know what there is to do in Chestnut, and I may not know what the town had ever hoped to become. But I do know one thing: This water pump just don't work:

Nonetheless, I watched Doctor Doctorman try for like, half an hour.

Other notes:

1) Don't worry, the center pillar isn't the only monument in Chestnut:

2) Friend of the Blog Jeremy Pelzer, here's the paper they get:

3) Jesus, Chestnut needs even more help than I thought:

4) Heads up, readers from the city:

5) It was so hot when we visited, our shoes actually melted a little. It was so hot, we willingly drank Mt. Dew. It was so hot, it was basically our Viet Nam- and Doctor Doctorman was actually IN Viet Nam.

6) I am aware that there are possible dick-jokes involved in the shape of the monument. Feel free to leave your best ones in the comments.